2014

Alright. Obviously I haven't posted here in a long time. That is because I haven't exercised in a long time. A lot has happened in my life. I got married and moved out of state almost immediately. I would be lying if I were to say that it has been an easy experience. I think home sickness and living cheap has really taken a toll on my well-being*.

I don't like fixating on numbers. I don't like thinking about "2 years until I get to go home" or "30 pounds less, and I can feel comfortable with myself". The reason I don't like thinking about that is because I have counted down a lot of things in my life, thinking that if I just achieve that, then I'll be so much happier.

And for the most part, accomplishing goals or reaching time marks is good and does bring joy. But I am a chronic daydreamer/future-wisher. And I need to learn to live in the present. And so I have decided to approach my wellness on a day-to-day basis.

Instead of thinking "by the end of the month, I want to weigh this amount" or "3 times a week doing this exercise, and 2 times a week doing that exercise, then I'll be fit" I want to think more about TODAY.

True, there is value in planning ahead. But with my current mindset (stupid Voldemort. Hmm, maybe not as bad as Voldy. More like...hmm, not sure. I'll think about villian that is more of a jerk-wad than out-right evil), I think I need something less daunting and more focused on a day-to-day schedule. Otherwise losing as much weight as I want to is just too much. It almost makes me feel like giving up before even starting. Or like "well, I'm already so fat, I might as well just eat whatever the hell I want" (I recognize the flaw in this argument, but that doesn't prevent my brain from thinking that way).

I'm not very motivated right now, at all. Despite this big winded stream of consciousness about change and a new way of thinking. And in a way, I think that is good. When I get really motivated it doesn't last very long. The reason I am deciding to change is not because of a surge of motivation, it is because of a surge of fear and self-loathing. This needs to end. I need to be healthy. I need to treat my body better. I need to fuel it better. I need to strengthen it better. I need to not ignore these unhealthy signs that could lead to worse issues.

I have had high blood pressure, sore knees, labored breathing after too little of work to allow for such labored breathing, lethargy, negativity, emotional ups-and-downs, not to mention all of the physical appearance and embarrassment that comes from gaining more weight than you realized and feeling awkward in your own skin.

So. All of this just for me to say this: I'm not going to just accept my weight because I'm too overwhelmed, defeated, and sad to allow it to make me feel overwhelmed, defeated, and sad. I'm going to be proactive. However, I'm not going to approach it with a strong goal and then get discouraged when I don't make progress. Don't get me wrong, I have goals. I have a weight range that I want to be in. I have an image of sculpted arms and flat belly that would be nice to achieve. I have an image of not being embarrassed in photos taken of me, or fitting into my favorite pair of jeans again.

But I am NOT going to fixate on these things. I am determined to think of these things as purely bonuses to getting healthy. THAT is the goal. To be healthy. I'm going to work on it one day at a time.

Wish me luck.












*Please don't get me wrong. I am happy in a lot of other areas of my life. I have a very happy marriage. The unhappiness stems from being away from home and everything and everyone that I know and love. The issue is a lot of change. I never have adjusted to change easily. I am very lucky I have married my best friend, who helps with this adjustment to change, and we are stronger for it. But that doesn't mean I don't want to wake up in my old bedroom with a dozen cats out the back door, German pancakes in the oven, and my mom watching The Price Is Right.